I’m losing you

I’m.losing.you.

I can feel you slipping away
And so
I squeeze tighter and tighter
And
TIGHTER

Afraid to lose you
Afraid to be lost

As if in the time we spent together
I was re-molded
And morphed into your corresponding shape

And if you were to let go
If you were to leave
If you were to casually decide
It isn’t for you, as it is for me
Or maybe as it was for us

I’d be aware
Painstakingly
aware

That I am just one part
Of a whole that no longer fits together

And I could

Could

relax my grip and
My anxiety of losing you
And we would become
Like oil and water
In a cup resting
together
but noticeably
S e p a r a t e d

A line between us
Defining what once need not be defined
A line or a gap or
A space between
That was once filled
With our intermingling
Bodies
Souls
And losing who is who
Where you and I
Became we

And now

You lay coldly
You lay coldly
Next to me
In my full size bed
Too small for both
But you are
seemingly so distant
So far away
from me
Like we’re nothing
But strangers

Where many days were spent
And
Love was shared

Where tender memories etched
Into both our minds
Like hearts in a tree

There will now be
chilly
hard
Silence

And not silence
And not silence from contentment
Not from no longer needing words
In a comfortable way
Not from our bodies speaking in place of our mouths
But because the words
The only words
That need be said
Are the most difficult
To produce on your lips and let fall on the other’s ear
Knowing the heart
you once healed
Will be the same heart
You now break

Those memories etched
Engrained, written in sharpie
Will erode and fade and
The pain will become
Closer to a dull ache
Than the shock
The lightning strike to the heart
The tight, panicky squeeze of the chest

The pain will fade
As days turns to months
And months turn to years
As years pass by and
As life goes on

But nothing will change

Nothing will change
How I have changed you
and
how you have changed me

How we fit
Like two parts of one complete
One complete that is
Now lacking

What will I do
If I’m not a part
Of you?

I felt like I was looking at an angel
When I looked at you
And everything faded around us
We’re holding hands
And spinning
And life was happening around us
And people could see us
But we weren’t aware of them
we were wrapped in each other and
Wrapped in that moment
And it felt like nothing could go wrong
You could do no wrong
You were perfection

We were so innocent
And so naive
And so young
And so in love

And now when i look at you
I feel nothing

But just a pinch of regret
And a dash of sadness

Because I lost my angel
I lost you.

I had a revelation two nights ago, about quitting drugs.
I realized that in order to quit a drug (marijuana, alcohol, coke, etc.)
You have to forget how happy it makes you feel to be able to not go back to it

Because once you realize how unhappy you really are
It’s hard to go back to your shitty sober life
Knowing how happy you could feel on drugs
How much more you like people with drugs

I had a dream that HERO let me sleep on his couch because my parents had been fighting or something. I had no idea how I got to your house but I passed out. I didn’t even know it was your house until the next day. I woke up and went to my regular world. Then at night I went wondering because I was depressed and lonely. There were so many people at your house and some of them were black so I didn’t assume it was yours. Then you showed up! I almost cried when I realized how nice you were being by letting me sleep somewhere. I was dirty from the streets. Then you and your black wife and kids went partying. They were like adult kids somehow. They made me come too and get really drunk. I couldn’t stand the taste of alcohol. Then you pulled me to the side and I asked you “you’re married?” You told me “you know you like it. You love that I have a wife” and I don’t remember what else happened…. But I woke up in a fog. Like what’s real anymore?